It’s no secret that the American people are, on average, fairly bereft of original ideas. Our movies are remakes of original content in foreign countries, sequels to movies that didn’t need another installment, updated re-imaginings of older (and always better) movies, or based on television shows. Even our television shows are becoming nothing but spin-offs of other shows or remakes of older shoes. People don’t write new music anymore, they just sample old music and make it less enjoyable by adding monotonous computerized beats and inane lyrics. We are a culture that constantly rehashes old ideas instead of creating new ones.
Since we can’t come up with anything new, we are constantly looking for things to remake for a new audience. However, when we do this, we always make the same mistake. We take old properties that were highly successful and try to match that success with mediocre new versions. This needs to end immediately. There are plenty of projects from years past that failed horribly, but had potential to be great. Why would we remake movies like Psycho or King Kong? The originals are recognized as all-time classics. Why aren’t we taking properties that should have made great movies, but because of poor execution, lack of vision, or failing to understand what made the property so valuable in the first place, failed at the box office? The world doesn’t really need a remake of Clash of the Titans. We do need a remake of Howard the Duck.
There is one thing that I do feel we need to try again. One thing that failed, but only because the people who tried it didn’t realize that just because the results they got weren’t what they were expecting, they still held unbelievable value. In fact, even though their initial efforts were seen as a failure, if the originators of this outstanding concept had thought outside the box and made the appropriate adjustments to their presentation of said product, the popular culture of this country, especially in relation to spectator sports, would have turned out vastly different than it did.
Of course, the project in question is the use of monkeys as jockeys during greyhound races.
In 1930, Loretta and Charlie David developed the idea of using capuchin monkeys as jockeys on greyhound dogs during dog races. They felt that jockeys would add to the appeal of dog racing, as they are such a staple of horse racing. however, since people are far too large to serve as jockeys on greyhounds, they purchased 12 capuchin monkeys. Over a period of two years, they trained the monkeys to ride in a specially designed harness on the backs of the dogs. The idea was introduced in Palm beach and created a bit of a buzz at first, but soon died down. The idea failed because the monkeys, while racing around the track, would get into fights with each other, disrupting the race.
What the Davids saw was an idea that failed. What they should have seen was opportunity.
Sometimes people have an idea and that idea turns out completely different from what they originally conceived. This is usually viewed as a failure. If, however, the Davids were able to look outside the box and see what they actually had in their grasps, today they would have left a legacy of dominance and wealth in the world of entertainment.
Yes, the monkeys would hit each other and try to knock each other off of their horses. While this may have technically been against what they were trained to do, wasn’t it so much better? What would you rather see: a bunch of digs running around in a circle or a bunch of dogs running around in a circle, while trained monkey combatants did battle during the race, leaping from dog to dog, wrestling at high speeds, and knocking each other off their steeds?
If the monkeys could not be trained not to fight, they should have reversed tactics. Train those little guys to do battle! Teach them the fundamentals of jousting and grappling. Instruct them on the use of slings and nets. Hone their little monkey fighting skills until they are hardcore, tough as nails monkey combatants. this would have made the contest so much more entertaining. Instead of betting on who would cross the finish line first, spectators in the stands would place wagers on who would be the last monkey standing at the end of the brawl. You think the chariot race in Ben-Hur was entertaining? Just imagine instead of hammy actors knocking each other off of chariots, ferocious, yet adorable, capuchin monkeys doing battle at high speeds!
If marketed properly, Monkey Gladiatorial Matches on Dog-back would have become the most insanely popular sport the world has ever known. Baseball? Who wants to watch a bunch of guys stand around in a park throwing a ball back and forth while a guy with a stick swings at it and missed eighty five percent of the time when you could watch monkeys racing at lightning speeds, throwing nets at each other? Soccer? You can’t even use your hands in soccer. the game is so boring, members of the audience have to bring loud whistles to try to amuse themselves during the game. The only sound you would hear an audience member make during high speed monkey combat is the sound of their hearts beating in their chests as they stared with awe at the spectacle they were witnessing. Basketball? Who wants to watch a sport where the last two minutes take half a day and whenever there is a penalty, the action comes to a grinding halt as the player who suffered the infraction takes boring free throws? In Monkey Combat Racing, there are no fouls and the action never stops, until one monkey reigns supreme. Football? In a three hour broadcast of a football game, there is seven minutes of actual action. Greyhounds racing as fast as they can while monkeys leapt from dog to dog, drop kicking each other to the ground, would be 100% action from bell to bell.
The only sport with the potential to match Greyhound Monkey Jockey Warfare is hockey, but even that, as great as it is, falls short. While hockey has mostly action that doesn’t stop, as well as the fact that fighting is encouraged, it still doesn’t stack up. Hockey players are on skates on ice, making the potential for entertaining fights pretty high. However, as soon as a fight breaks out, the hockey players throw their sticks to the ground, thus making the encounter far less interesting. Monkeys don’t understand fair play and respect for their opponents. Monkeys are wild animals, creatures of instinct. The only way a monkey is throwing his weapon away during a brawl is if he hurls it at his opponent as hard as he can.
With the right production values, this idea could take over the sports world. Soon, niche sports like snowboarding and skateboarding would be a thing of the past. Then combat sports, like MMA and boxing would slowly vanish. Before you know it, institutions like baseball and basketball would lose their audiences to this new, far more riveting pastime. Within a few years, nobody will even remember the Super Bowl is on anymore. instead, companies the world over will be spending millions of dollars to unveil their most creative and original commercials between rounds of the Monkey Bowl.
It’s time for somebody in this country to repackage Greyhound Monkey Jockeys as the extreme sport it is meant to be. We remake everything else, why not this idea? This is a classic example of a missed opportunity, one that our remake crazed culture should leap on the first chance it gets. But if they don’t, in a few years, it will at the very least give me an opportunity to re-write this article.
