Men, as a general rule, are not very complex. If you were to watch old movies, they try to portray men as sophisticated creatures, having intelligent debates about politics and society and the economy. They debate great works of literature and quote Shakespeare and the Bible. Witty banter accompanies high class music as they sip their top shelf wine and discuss the issues of the day. The reality is far simpler. The average man, in his day to day life, talks about two subjects: sports and sex.
The odd thing is, we men don’t talk about sports we actively play ourselves, or sex we actually have. We talk about the sports we watch and the sex we wish we were having. The odd thing is, the wishful sex fantasies aren’t even people we could realistically ever have sex with in real life. It’s never the hot neighbor or the cute new girl in the office. It’s usually celebrities. Actresses, musicians, models and the like. But sometimes, on rare occasions, when it’s late at night and the waitress is wishing you would leave the empty diner already instead of staying so long you get hungry again and order a second meal, the sex topic turns to the fantastical. The impossible. Because while the chances of my having sex with Kate Beckinsale are so astonishingly small they would require the likes of Stephen Hawking to understand the math involved in odds that long, the possibility, no matter how improbable it may be, DOES exist. However, there is absolutely zero chance any of us will ever have carnal knowledge of a cartoon character. But since we are men, that doesn’t stop us from discussing it.
I am convinced men will discuss the possibilities of sex with anything. If it’s late enough and people are tired/drunk enough, it doesn’t even have to be a living thing. I know people who discuss sex with furniture, food, clothing, it doesn’t matter. I tend to leave at that point, but my inner geek can not resist the cartoon character discussion.
Whenever this conversation starts, the men always throw out the obvious choices. Jessica Rabbit. Betty and Veronica. Daphne from Scooby Doo. Sometimes a guy will think slightly outside the box and pick somebody who isn’t fully human, like Cheetara from Thundercats, or Ariel from the Little Mermaid. Now, I will give a little credit for imagination and thinking in humanoid terms, although there’s something wrong about wanting to make the beast with two backs with a Disney character. It just seems unclean to me.
What people need to do when making an important decision like which cartoon character to engage in sex acts with is consider all the angles. Yes, the hotness of the character is important. but shouldn’t the quality of the sex itself be taken into account? Who really cares how good looking you think Wilma Flintstone is if she’s just going to lay there while you sink your battleship? No, if you’re going to do this, you might as well do it right. Have a night of ecstasy to be remembered! If you’re going to go through the effort to choose the one cartoon character that will rock your world, take everything into consideration.
There is only one correct answer to this important question. Only one cartoon character has the right balance of sex appeal and uninhibited attitude to the sex act itself. Only one woman will satisfy your every need. That woman is none other than miss Judy Jetson.
Think about it. As time goes on, attitudes towards sex are getting more and more relaxed. Things that were considered unspeakably taboo in the 1950s were discussed openly in the 1980s and today they are shown on prime time TV. Can you imagine how relaxed the attitude towards sex will be in the year 2062?
That kinky stuff you only get to do twice a year? judy learned about that in Home Ec class. That disgusting thing your partner only lets you do once a year? Judy wouldn’t bat an eye if you asked for that. You know that sick, twisted, horrific act you want to perform, the one so vile that you would not mention it to your wife, even after 50 years of marriage for fear she would run screaming into the night? Judy will do that on a first date. Plus, no matter how big of a loser you are, Judy will let you fill her out like an application because she only cares about pissing off her father.
I know what you’re thinking. Judy is only 16. Wouldn’t it be illegal to have a night of passion with her? Once again, it is the year 2062. At the rate kids are growing up these days, by the time 2062 rolls around, you will be expected to be married by the time you are 13. It will be a lot like the middle ages, but with orgies held in flying cars in the parking lot of a stadium holding a Jet Screamer concert.
Judy, I have but one thing to say to you, the object of my affection.: “Eep, Op, Ork, Ah-Ah”. And that means “I love you!”
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